Boundaries+Please

**Children’s need for Boundaries **
Shonna Young Boundaries are in every aspect of life, the ocean can go only as far as the boundary of land, a person can only drive on the side of the road in which directed and sporting events have bounds to which the player must stay within. Boundaries set a limit according to Webster (1997); these limits often set a safe environment which enables freedom within the limits. Children are the same as nature in that they need limits to provide a safe environment to thrive in. As parents, it is important to set these boundaries for your children before another influence sets them for you. Not setting clear boundaries may cause great headache for parents as seen in popular show SUPERNANNY. [] 

**What does a boundary look like? ** Setting boundaries may seem overwhelming for parents, but taken step by step can be manageable and beneficial. Boundaries are most beneficial when the child is young, even as toddlers or babies; if your children are older it is not too late to create boundaries for your children, the process may just be more difficult. Ananda Reeves (2009) gives tips on creating boundaries in an article entitled, //Setting Clear Boundaries//. Reeves suggests to be most effective a boundary needs to be clear, measurable, observable, and has preset consequences.

In example a speed limit is set at a certain limit based on the safety of the road, the limit is set to keep the drivers safe. Say a limit is a 35 miles per hour (mph), the boundary is clear, there is a set limit to go on the road. The boundary is measured by the speedometer or the police officer’s radar gun; personally you can observe the boundary with your eyes and by seeing the speed limit sign or when it changes. The preset consequences may be a speeding ticket or worse an accident. Some parents may find it difficult to set bounds as they themselves do not have clear boundaries. Dr. Diane Ehrensaft (1997) writes of the importance of personal boundaries in parents in the book //Spoiling Childhood//. Some parents find difficulty in realizing the difference between themselves and their children, if a parent does not recognize the separate identities; the children will continue to be confused about healthy boundaries and the need for boundaries. Not only will the child gain wisdom of the need for boundaries but the parents will have a healthy space and not have the need to take on all of the feelings of the child, creating a healthier parent. The goal is to not just create a boundary for the child, but also to create healthy families, enabling academic achievement in the school systems and creating a well rounded individual to succeed in all aspects of life. Boundaries help clearly define roles in the family, who is really the parent and who is the child according to Geoffrey Greif’s (1996) article //Treating the changing single parent family: A return to boundaries.// 



**Where do children need boundaries? ** Each parent will find different areas in which their children will need boundaries, here are a few general ideas where most will need bounds; technology, media, sex, friends, school, curfew and home. Boundaries need to be age appropriate and may need to be different depending on the different children you have in your family, yet all boundaries need to be consistent. Four general areas to look at are looked at by Marianne Neifert (2001) in //Why kids need rules//, she highlighted safety, personal behavior, property and neatness. Looking at these ideas it is clear that setting bounds provides children with the tools necessary to become a well rounded young person and then adult.

Five year-old Howie has been warned by his parents to not go into the road unless with an adult. Although this is a good parameter, this is not the best boundary that can be given as it is not clear or demonstrating what will happen if he goes into the road without an adult. Many of us fear the word “No”, but we need to remember that “no” is not just rejection but also can set the clear bounds of what is acceptable and what is safe. Henner and Sharon (1999, pp 80) write of the importance of saying “No” in their book //I Refuse To Raise a Brat//. Here is what they suggest on setting a clear “No”: The message they give the child is that the parent is uncertain of his own rules and is not in charge. A child needs to be aware that children and parents are NOT equals and that the parent is in charge. Rules that are clearly established and boundaries that are clearly defined may make the child momentarily unhappy, but in the long run, they will make him feel safe and secure.

A better boundary for Howie could be; there is no going into the road unless an adult is with Howie. If Howie is found in the road or seen in the road without an adult there will be no TV. for two days. The boundary is clear, no going in the road; measured by the road and watching Howie; the boundary will be observed by the parents; the present consequence is no TV. for two days if he is found in the road.

Technology is integrated into almost every aspect of life, with children and teens usually having the best understanding of how it works and what they can do with it. Although they best understand it and often parents are confused, parents need to monitor their use and still set bounds on how much they can use the computer/phones at home and what sites they have access to. While some school districts ask students to not use phones in school, there is also a push for schools to better integrate social network sites and tech programs so students will excel post graduation. According to Inan and Lowther (2010) most schools have internet access with one computer per four students, and suggest if teachers best used technology in the classroom scores would increase. As integration continues to improve parents need to meet the future and be willing to better understand what their children are using to best set clear boundaries of appropriate use.

**What will boundaries bring? ** <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Boundaries although may take awhile to put in place and stay in place have many different benefits for parents and children. Dr.’s Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend look at some of the benefits of boundaries in their books. Often discipline and boundaries go hand in hand, on way to best understand boundaries is highlighted in //Boundaries// (1992, pp 171), “Discipline is an external boundary, designed to develop internal boundaries in our children.” Children will develop more self discipline and self control from boundaries given by parents. Healthy relationships, ownership, respect, and love are all different results from boundaries.

<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Boundaries will help build self-control and over indulgent children. Dan Kindlon’s (2001) book //Too Much of a Good Thing//, looks at how parents giving their children too many things and not expecting anything from their children. Having reasonable expectations for children gives some direction for themselves, enabling children to have a better understanding of who they are and things that they need. Allowing children to find self-sufficiency enables them to succeed in adversity when parents are not always around.

<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Children will gain responsibility when working within boundaries and be able to set boundaries for themselves when older. When creating boundaries with children work together with them so they best understand what goes into a boundary; clarity, measurable, observable, and preset consequences. One way children can be involved is helping set appropriate preset consequences, and repeating the boundary back so you know they understand what was set. Children may need reminders of what the boundaries are, but need the consistency of keeping the boundary even when forgotten. Parents have many different available resources such as the internet, books, other parents, and school staff to help create boundaries, and to best understand the importance of having boundaries. Change can often be a scary aspect of life, but often needed when the current situation is not working well or things are out of control, parents need the confidence and support to gain control of their rightful place in the family and bring appropriate boundaries to their children.

<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Test Questions: <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">References: <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;">Agnes, M. (Ed.) (1997). //Webster’s New World Mini Dictionary.// New York: Simon & Schuster Macmillan Company. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (1992). //Boundaries//. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (2001). //Boundaries with Kids//. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;">Ehrensaft, D. (1997). //Spoiling Childhood, How Well-Meaning Parents Are Giving too Much- But Not What They Need//. New York: The Guilford Press. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Henner, M. & Sharon, R.V. (1999). //I Refuse to Raise a Brat//. New York: HarperCollins. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;">Inan, F.A., Lowther, D.L. (2010). Factors affecting technology integration in K-12 classrooms: a path model. //Education Tech Research & Development, 58//, 137-154. DOI: 10.1007/s11423-009-9132-y. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;">Kindlon, D. (2001). //Too Much of A Good Thing, Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age//. New York: Talk Miramax Books, Hyperion. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Neifert, M. (2001). Why kids need rules. //Parenting, 15//(1), 86-89. DOI: 4184675. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;">Reeves, A.E. (2009). Setting clear boundaries, letting kids know where they stand (Education). //Lilipoh Publishing, 14//(56), 35-36. DOI: A203896256. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;">Tama, M. (2010). Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig Disaster. Retrieved from [|http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36880053/ns/news-][|picture_stories][|/][|displaymode][|/1247/?][|beginSlide][|=1]. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Windowsxpbt. (2009). Mum is left out in the cold in the cold supernanny us. [Web-Video]. Retrieved from [].
 * 1) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">What are the four elements of a boundary?
 * 2) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Clear, measured, observable, preset consequences
 * 3) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Attainable, basic, suitable consequences, viewed
 * 4) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Clear, basic, observable, preset consequences
 * 5) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">In the video, what did the child do to cause a scene?
 * 6) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Locked the mom out of the bathroom
 * 7) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Biked down the street
 * 8) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Locked the mom outside
 * 9) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">In the example, what is Howie’s consequence for going in the road?
 * 10) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Spanking
 * 11) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">No dinner
 * 12) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">No TV for 2 days
 * 13) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">True or False: Dr. Ehrensaft suggest parent have difficulties realizing the boundaries between themselves and their child.
 * 14) <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">True or False: Children do not gain responsibility from boundaries.
 * Presentation**: